I am in a vortex of obligation.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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