she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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