i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
