in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
