JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
