im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
