Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
