I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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