So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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