This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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