Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
