He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
