dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Barsexuality is the new black.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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