we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
