So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
