when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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