why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I could fuck to npr.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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