just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
