Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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