i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
