I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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