Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
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