if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
