I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
