i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
