Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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