I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
