it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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