capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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