Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You were trust falling into bushes
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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