My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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