I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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