I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just gift wrapped bread.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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