my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
