I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
