Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
dude. I can hear the air.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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