just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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