i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
