I need to stop coming to work sober
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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