Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
