he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
