I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
