So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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