I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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