My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
