You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
