I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
