dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
