My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
