I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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