I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
